Valentines Day strikes back

The practical girl’s guide to two-timing on Valentines Day

Claire Geare, editor-in-cheif

Break out your cheap chocolates and hide the tags of your overpriced dress, because the day for romance is almost upon us. If you’re lucky, you might have a date lined up for this oh so exciting night. But if you’re really lucky, you have three or four. So, if you’re one of the many toying with the fragile heart’s emotions this holiday, here is the world’s first and only practical guide to two-timing.
Since you’ve landed yourself in a classic sitcom scenario, it’s important to act accordingly. Taking inspiration from the greats such as “My girlfriend’s name is Lampshade Radio,” you’re in for a night of wacky excuses and at least a few hijinks. But, no matter how silly these antics become, you must keep your cool.
The first and most important component to pulling off this scheme is finding a restaurant with both indoor and outdoor seating. This ensures your helpless victims will stay far away from each other, and you can catch a breath of fresh air after choking on your own gaslighting fumes. For a truly successful scheme, I recommend scoping out the venue. Make sure to disguise yourself to avoid weird looks from the waitstaff – a mustache works every time.
With each prospective dater, you must establish that you suffer from some sort of vague restroom related disorder. Avoid specifics, they only create cracks in the story. Make it a real sob story. A tale so sympathetic only some sort of psychopath would bring it up at a dinner table. Pray you don’t date someone like yourself. With enough luck, this should excuse your absurdly long absences.
With arrangements in place, it’s time for the long con. Thanks to modern technology, you now have the ability to catfish people at your fingertips! If doomsday happens and you’re discovered by your daters, you need to create plausible deniability. They say everyone has one perfect doppelganger out there, and who’s to say yours isn’t at the exact same restaurant as you? By presenting two vastly different versions of yourself to your dates, you can lie your way out, no problem. How could this guy be on a date with you? He’s dating a woman with a love for fishing!
See? Plausible deniability. You may spiral into an identity crisis afterwards, but hey, you deserve it.
Finally, remember to have fun with this whole experience, because it may be the last time you ever feel this way. Guilty consciences tend to be party poopers. So with a mustache at the ready, the lying skills of a senator, and a sociopathic lack of consideration – go out there and cause some irreversible emotional damage!