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5 Step to Succeed on Your Benchmarks

Jo Breese, Staff Writer

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Benchmarks are coming up and y’all need to know how to succeed.

Listen up Cactus Shadowers. Get off your diddly-darn phones, those snappy-chats, and them intsagrammies and pay attention to this informative article on how to not fail the most important tests of your life, the benchmarks. I, Jo “Jo Breese” Breese, will give you my perfect and flawless advice on how to succeed on a benchmark.

Your benchmark scores measure a studen’ts progression throughout the year. Benchmarks are extremely hard and your entire life depends on how well you do. If you succeed, you’ll be transferred to Mount Olympus. There you will see Zeus personally thank you as you become a demigod.

First things first, you need to know that you need to work hard. Working hard is the way to get a great score on the benchmark. Many benchmarks are not graded, so you might never see your score. And that’s great. It makes it so you will never see how good you did.

  1. Make sure you have all the information you need for the test. Take that info, and eat it up. When you munch up all those study guides and worksheets, you will absorb all the information in them. This is a really handy life hack that you can do for every test.
  2. Study for the test months beforehand. If you already absorbed the information into your mind, you don’t really need to use this step, so just skip it. This is for the non-absorbers. Benchmarks are supery-dupery hard. So if you can not absorb because you do not have a mouth, just study years in advance.
  3. Fast for a full year. Fasting is when you do not eat or drink. When you do this, you hunger for food and substance. You will also have a hunger for knowledge. You will thirst for information. When you live like this, you will remember more facts and formulas. Make sure you absorb before you fast or you might lose your information that you absorbed.
  4. If you really don’t feel like you are going to succeed after you do steps 1-3, go to a plastic surgeon and get a bionic eye. With your new bionic eye, you should be able to take pictures of the answer sheet without using your phone. If you do not understand how to do this, please see page 34 in the manual.
  5. After you take the test you should receive a notification on your phone that says, “You have upgraded to a premium brain. Thank you for your continued support of the Brain™ operating system.” With the premunim Brain™ upgrade, you are able to have multiple personalities and 30 years will be added to your lifespan. If you want more features or a longer lifespan, then you will have to pay fo them.

Hopefully after you complete these, you’ll get an A. If not, you can’t sue me. This is Jo “Jo Breese” Breese, signing out.

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5 Step to Succeed on Your Benchmarks