Opinion: Here’s how Bernie can still win

Bringing Bernie back for round two.

Claire Geare, Opinion Editor

Yes, I voted for Bernie. The establishment ruled Democrats said I was “wasting my vote.” Bernie himself said the only way to “save democracy” was to “vote for Biden.” But I know under all that fancy jargon, he appreciates the write in.

Bernie can still make a comeback, guys. The 2020 election has only been over for a month, and with Biden’s narrow win I think there’s some wiggle room for Bernie to really sweep this. Just a few million write-ins, a couple of campaign ads, and a few broken hundred-year precedents then boom!

Well, don’t laugh.

Fine, maybe a “legitimate” win won’t happen for us Bernie Bros this year, but let’s say Joe Biden just happens to catch a pretty terrible cold (in no way related to COVID-19). The next obvious step is for Kamala to also come down with it, since they share such close quarters, of course. Now we’ve got a bit of an epidemic in the White House. We’re down a president. But, wait, who’s that? Bernie Sanders? You’re willing to take over while the Biden administration suffers through a terrible and unprecedented disease? Wow! Bernie really could still win!

This plan is foolproof, trust me. It got almost a thousand upvotes on r/sandersforpresident. But, I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch. In the unlikely chance the health and safety of the president is heavily guarded – I’ve got a few more plans to ensure a successful Bernie presidency by the end of the millennia.

Option 1: Cryogenic freezing. Okay, this one might take a bit of convincing, but if we can just get Sanders to freeze himself indefinitely a win is guaranteed by at least 2036. The only real issue I can imagine is getting him there… maybe if we lay a few pages of a Medicare for All bill leading to the tank he’ll jump in himself.

Option 2: Cyber enhancement. Let me introduce you all to a little project I’ve been working on: Bernie Bot. It’s just Bernie Sanders, but with laser eyes and a robot-arm strong enough to throw any senators who disagree with him into deep space. This option is my personal favorite.

Option 3: Secession. This one’s a little risky, but I think if enough of us Sanders Stans pool our collective weight, we could successfully secede from the United States. With Bernie as our leader, and an approximately Florida-sized piece of land to our name, we could be one of the next great powerhouses of the 21st century!

Okay…I’ve realized the technology for the first two plans hasn’t quite been perfected yet, so I guess for now we’ll just keep coughing near the White House. Either way, I’m sure this will work. With our incredible will, unrelenting blind faith, and complete misunderstanding of basic political strategy, I can rest easy knowing I will one day see a world where I can call Bernie both my bro and commander in chief.