A guide to Halloween in 2020

Because what could be much scarier than this year already is?

Close your eyes. Imagine the scariest thing you can think of. Mutant bugs? A plague? Political unrest? Now open them. You know what, maybe just close them again because the real world really isn’t much better this year.
So, Halloween in the year 2020. Trick-or-treating may be cancelled, costume parties called off, and all candy sanitized, but I think we can still have some fun. Well, with a caveat or two.
First, a few costume restrictions. For the love of God, don’t dress as the coronavirus. Throw away your sexy virus costume now, because I swear if I see one single person dressed as a “COVID-19” I will personally rip the crudely made spikes off of your body.
This shouldn’t be a hard restriction to follow, just stick to classic costumes – ghosts, vampires, witches. Well, scratch that – witches are out. In a twist nobody expected, J.K. Rowling has somehow ruined every fourth grader’s Halloween by revealing herself as a backwards transphobic bigot. So being the boy who lived just doesn’t hold the same “magic” as it used to. Unless you count Rowling’s almost magical level of ignorance.
With witches and viruses out of the running, you’ve still got plenty to choose from! Well, actually, even those have their hangups. I’ll say this only once: you’re not clever for being a doctor for Halloween. I’m not saying you can’t be one, but just know you’re not original. Also in this category: election costumes, cops, hazmat suits, and plague doctors.
Finally, a list of don’ts: Don’t dress up as Pocahontas, Michael Jackson, or Bill Cosby. Don’t be a zombie who died from COVID-19, the fly on Pence’s head, or a lost mail-in ballot. And you know what, maybe just don’t dress up at all.
Okay, so that was a few more caveats than expected – but look on the bright side. This devastatingly bleak year has given us the perfect opportunity to do something I’ve been waiting for a long time.
Gone will be the days of thirty-somethings dressed as the cast of Friends. Farewell to overly elaborate and yet embarrassingly bad Game of Thrones costumes. Not a Halloween “Karen” will be seen on this glorious night, as Halloween is now off limits to millennials. With a sharp decline in parties this year, millennials will finally, for once in their lives, not take something meant for children and make it so much worse. All we can do now is hope, pray, they don’t return next year – because there is nothing scarier than a 32 year old dressed in an ironic costume.
Now, have fun, be safe, and if you see anyone do any of the above – you have my permission to curse them.