Listen, I won’t waste everyone’s time rehashing the reasons the past few months have sucked. In fact, I won’t even mention it. I won’t say a single word about the global pandemic that has ravaged this nation, emphasized our country’s fundamental flaws, and made too many of us inject Lysol into our bloodstreams. Instead, I want to focus on what really matters: capitalism!
America’s biggest corporations have been pulling out all the stops to make those most affected by the virus, essential workers, feel appreciated. There have been countless tv ads, public statements, and at-home press conferences congratulating citizens’ sacrifices in these trying times\; and the best part is, it all means nothing!
I swear, if one more stuffy businessman with a title like “Supreme Overseer of Faxing or Whatever,” sits in his 8000 dollar leather chair and claims “we’re all in this together,” I’m going to rip my own hair out. But, I suppose I should cut these multi-million dollar companies a break. While countless Americans put their lives at risk, CEOs have to deal with the chronic boredom that comes with quarantine, and boy, I don’t know what’s worse!
Clearly, trouble is brewing for companies who do not respond quickly to the virus. This week over 100 Amazon employees walked out of a New York facility over a lack of protective gear. This is a serious issue, and a health and safety hazard for Jeff Bezos. Those close to him say the walkouts have made ol’ Jeffyboy “a teensy weensy bit upset.” Let’s all wish Mr. Bezos’ ego a speedy recovery.
Don’t lose all hope, though, lots of brands are helping in really valuable ways. In a recent statement from Carl’s Jr., the brand is “providing an easy solution for family meals in an effort to help people focus on taking care of their families, while [they] take care of the burgers and biscuits.” I can’t thank them enough for the sacrifice. Personally, I was extremely worried about the safety of the burgers and biscuits.
In all seriousness, the unthoughtful actions shown by these economic powerhouses is troubling. Thousands of workers deemed “essential” are risking their lives every day to protect these “burgers and biscuits,” and a lack of safety protocol and contingency plans, such as overtime and paid sick leave, only contributes to the spread of the virus. I highly encourage anyone reading this to look into brands that are actually providing assistance for those in need. For now, though, all we can do is laugh at overdone Jeff Bezos jokes.