My Instagram feed has been flooded with pictures of bikini-clad girls throwing peace signs in my face as of late, so either the entire cast of Bachelor in Paradise has migrated to Cave Creek or the weather is getting warmer.

This early-spring heat does do one good thing, though. It drives the hundreds of thousands of RV-driving, slow-moving, snowbirds who set up shop here in Arizona for the winter back to Canada or Wisconsin or wherever they keep coming from. 

I’ll miss the little guys, actually. Without them here, I might actually be able to go above ten miles an hour on the freeway or eat at literally any restaurant in the whole state without an hour-long wait. Worse, I might not see a single piece of gaudy turquoise jewelry until next Winter. I guess I’ll have to buy some myself. Besides the point, but if you see me suddenly dressing like the hit lead in Hallmark’s new movie “Southwestern Sweetheart”, just leave me alone.

It’s not like I have some huge problem with old people, I merely feel a touch slighted by their casual use of Arizona’s only two months of bearable weather. Last June, I overheated on a trip to the grocery store. My scalp was still sunburnt in September. Even my pool, whose only job is to provide a body of water to cool off in, felt like bathwater by July. My point is, every other Arizona resident is forced to live in this terrible state during its horrible bouts of weather ten months out of the year, but these cheese-making, coat-wearing Wisconsinites get to waltz into Hell for the one day Satan takes a vacation.

“But, Claire,” you may be saying, “snowbirds bring in roughly one billion dollars a year, which helps Arizona’s economy as well as small businesses.” Well, to that I say: Jeff Bezos is coming to tear down your small business anyway, and you are only prolonging your inevitable merger with Amazon. Besides, all the things they buy here will most likely end up in some Canadian Goodwill by the end of the decade, and I don’t trust them one bit. Because if Canada can produce Justin Bieber, then who knows what else they’re capable of.

Luckily, this problem will most likely resolve itself soon anyway. The American healthcare system is falling apart at the seams, and presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg says he’ll deny care to the elderly as it’s just “too costly.” So maybe next year I’ll be forced to write about the lack of snowbirds in Arizona. Until then, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.